In Philadelphia is an area called Manayunk. In Manayunk is a long, steep hill called the Wall. Bicycle races go through Manayunk, and the Wall is the place where many riders quit and pull out.
I have hit my Wall. This does not mean I am quitting, but I am absolutely struggling. There is no more room in my brain, no more facts can be stuffed in. The No Vacancy sign is lit. This is only a few weeks after “Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine” arrived on my doorstep (along with three other books). Harrison’s has 2754 pages, not including a half inch of Bible-thin pages containing all of the appendices. It weighs 9.5 pounds, I weighed it.
A friend of mine’s husband is a physician. He made a comment about taking three years to get through Harrison’s and we have 15 weeks. Is this realistic? Our teacher glibly stated we weren’t expected to read the whole thing, but our assignment for this week is “Read Section 9”. 214 pages. Quiz by Sunday. Crap. I tend to be a type A when it comes to grades and school work. I want to do it all right, get fantastic grades, be top of the class. Hah, I feel mediocrity slipping in, my motivational level is zero. I had hoped to get out a couple of days and just observe an NP at my first rotation site, but haven’t heard back yet. The idea was to see and remember why exactly I chose to do this.
I try to remember the excitement I had when my doctor, who is going to be my preceptor for the last term, showed me “my” exam room. Right now, all I want is a nap…maybe a bucket of Starbucks, does that come IV?
Keep pushing, keep pedaling, the Wall will end at some point, I will break through, I will make it. And some people have the nerve to say nursing education is easy.
Wake me up in 20 minutes, maybe some stuff will have fallen out of my brain closet to make room for more.